"Lord of the Rings" Fanboys (a.k.a. "Ringheads")

The name of the blog explains itself, so let's get to it:


"The Lord of the Rings" (LOTR), as most of you know, is a fantasy book series that features your usual mix of dragons, wizards, elves, midgets, liars and government officials (see reputed crime-boss Governor Rod Blagojevich, a.k.a. Samwise Gamgee). It's sold probably 500 million copies in total. Like Scientology, people swear by its teachings and value system. At some point, kids of a certain age decide to surrender one of their adolescent summers reading these endless tomes of nonsense, swearing by its genius when they are finished. Yeah, and I swore that law school was a gall-stone worth passing when I was done a few years back.

So, straighten up your backs, you LOTR fanboys ("Ringheads"). I'm gonna punch ya- and here's why:

When the first LOTR movie came out a few years ago, I tagged along with a couple of old friends to see what this fuss was all about. I had no prejudice going in, except my usual dislike of anything deemed popular. I thought "Why not?" and gave up my evening to this movie, based on my friend's enthusiastic cajoling. The movie starts and all time and space cease to function normally. A series of slo-mo shots of outcasts from a Renaissance Fair flowed across the screen, gluing the Universe to a halt for me. What the Hell, Peter Jackson? Do you really need to telegraph what emotions I should be feeling at every single turn? And the furrowed brows, the concern over some piece of jewelry, and a lot of hugging and crying made me want to charge the projector's booth and kick the reel off the machine. And then something beautiful happened--

The theater's house lights came on. The movie was still running, but you know how they play music before a movie starts? Well, Britney Spears' "I'm a Slave For You" was blasting while the "Fellowship Sleepover" scene played (where they all jump in Frodo's bed and hug and shit). It was like God reached down and bitch-slapped each and every "Ringhead" in the theater. People were livid. Damn, was I happy. After about two minutes of chaos, the theater got their systems under control and they continued with the show. And I honestly didn't care what happened after that point.

But then I got pissed off again by the film's end. See, there's a scene where Gandalf (the wise!) dies. This set off some 35 year-old dude with a ponytail into a crying fit. Holy shit, dude! I take it you read the books (multiple times). You do know that Gandalf comes back (SPOILERS) in the next episode, right? Real people are dying all over the world. And they ain't coming back, asshole. Is this crying really that necessary? What a jerkoff.

And for some reason, I kept coming back, hoping my dislike for LOTR was a temporary insanity thing. I went to see "The Two Towers" and "Return of the King" and both times I got more annoyed. How many endings did that last movie have? 18? And dear Lord, does Elijah Wood need to be smacked in the face. Dude, run up the big hill, take the ring off your necklace and throw it in the damn lava. There's no red wire/green wire conundrum here, buddy. Just toss the evil shit into the volcano and you're good to go. But no... we had 60 minutes of two midgets on a mountain trying to stand up straight. And yes, they were crying-- as were the Ringheads in the theater.

If you love these movies/books, I am sorry but your taste sucks. You probably own the "Titanic" Soundtrack too. Yeah, you do, don't ya!